He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
