swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
