mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
