she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
