I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Randomize
