ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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