So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
