my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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