this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
