Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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