I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
