The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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