I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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