Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
