drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
my nose is crying tears of wow.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
