haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
