the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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