Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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