dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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