Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Sober January is a disaster.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
