You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
