I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
