he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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