I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
