They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
