Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
