so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We were destined to go to rehab together
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
