i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
