Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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