i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
