No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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