i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
