I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Swine flu. Run for my life!
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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