She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Randomize
