i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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