Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
