Pregnant stripper...not hot.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
