I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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