Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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