Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
