my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
