NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
