It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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