i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
