The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
