I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
