So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
