I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
