I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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