at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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