Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
