so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
